Self worth after sexual assault

Reclaiming Your Worth: Healing After Sexual Assault

Content Warning: This article discusses sexual assault and trauma. Please prioritize your wellbeing and read only when you feel ready.

If you're reading this, you may be searching for something that was never actually lost - your worth. Sexual assault can make you feel like your value has been taken, damaged, or diminished. But here's the truth that this entire article will explore: what happened to you does not define your worth. Your worth was never dependent on what was done to you, and it cannot be taken away by anyone's actions.

This is a truth that might feel impossible to believe right now. That's okay. Healing doesn't require you to believe it immediately. It only asks that you remain open to the possibility.

What This Article Is (And Isn't)

This isn't a timeline for healing. There is no "should be over it by now." This isn't about toxic positivity or forcing yourself to feel strong before you're ready. This isn't about forgiveness, moving on quickly, or any other pressure to be anywhere other than exactly where you are.

This article is simply an offering - reflections on the journey back to yourself, whenever you're ready to take it. Read what resonates, leave what doesn't, and know that your healing path is uniquely yours.

The Profound Lie: That Your Worth Was Affected

Sexual assault is an act of violence that violates boundaries, autonomy, and safety. It can shatter trust, create trauma responses, and fundamentally alter how you move through the world. These impacts are real and valid.

But here's what assault cannot do: it cannot change your inherent worth as a human being.

Your worth is not:

• Determined by what was done to your body
• Measured by your "purity" or "innocence"
• Dependent on how you responded during the assault
• Affected by whether you fought back, froze, or survived however you needed to
• Diminished by the trauma responses you experience now
• Connected to whether you reported, when you reported, or how people responded

Your worth existed before the assault. It existed during. It exists now. It is unchangeable by external events, no matter how violating those events were.

The work of healing isn't about rebuilding your worth - it's about removing the lies that make you believe it was ever damaged.

Understanding Trauma's Impact on Self-Perception

Trauma changes how we see ourselves, often in cruel ways. After sexual assault, survivors commonly experience:

Shame - A pervasive feeling that something is fundamentally wrong with you, rather than recognizing that something wrong was done to you. Shame whispers lies: "You're dirty," "You're damaged," "You're less than." These are trauma's lies, not truth.

Self-blame - Your mind may try to create explanations that give you control: "If I hadn't gone there," "If I hadn't worn that," "If I had fought harder." This is a trauma response attempting to create a sense of safety by believing you could have prevented what happened. But responsibility always lies with the person who chose to commit assault, never with the survivor.

Disconnection from your body - When your body becomes associated with the trauma, you may feel betrayed by it, disconnected from it, or uncomfortable in it. This disconnection can make you feel like your worth is compromised because you're not at home in yourself.

Changed relationships with intimacy - Difficulty with physical or emotional intimacy doesn't mean you're broken. It means you're responding normally to a violation of the most intimate boundaries. Your worth isn't diminished by needing time, safety, and healing in this area.

Understanding these responses as normal trauma reactions - not evidence of lost worth - is part of the healing journey.

The Path Back to Yourself

Healing after sexual assault isn't linear. There will be forward movement and setbacks, good days and devastating ones. All of it is part of the journey back to recognizing your worth. Here are some guideposts along the way:

Separating What Happened From Who You Are

The assault is something that happened to you. It is not who you are.

You are not:

• "A victim" (though you were victimized)
• "Damaged goods"
• "Ruined"
• "Tainted"
• Defined by the worst thing that happened to you

You are a whole person who experienced trauma. The trauma is part of your story, but it is not the entirety of your identity. You contain multitudes beyond this experience.

Practice noticing when you merge the assault with your identity. When you catch thoughts like "I'm damaged," try reframing: "I was harmed, and I'm healing." The language matters. It separates the event from your essence.

Reclaiming Your Body as Yours

One of the most profound violations of sexual assault is the way it can make your body feel like it no longer belongs to you. Reclaiming bodily autonomy is central to reclaiming worth.

This might look like:

• Setting boundaries - Every "no" you speak reinforces that your body is yours to protect
• Gentle reconnection - Moving your body in ways that feel safe and empowering
• Sensory grounding - Practices that help you feel present in your body on your terms
• Honoring your pace - Not forcing physical touch or intimacy before you're ready
• Listening to your body's wisdom - Trusting the signals it sends you

Your body is not the enemy. It survived. It carried you through. It deserves patience, compassion, and respect as you rebuild trust with it.

Challenging the Voice of Shame: Using Cognitive Behavioral Approaches

Shame thrives in silence. It grows in the dark corners where we hide parts of ourselves, convinced that if others knew what happened, they would see us as less than.

But shame loses power when exposed to compassion and truth. This is where Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques can be particularly powerful in reclaiming your worth.

Understanding the Thought-Feeling-Behavior Connection

CBT recognizes that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are interconnected. After sexual assault, trauma can create automatic negative thoughts about your worth. These thoughts trigger painful emotions (shame, worthlessness, fear), which then influence behaviors (isolation, self-harm, avoidance).

The good news? By identifying and challenging distorted thoughts, you can shift the entire cycle.

Common Cognitive Distortions After Assault

Trauma often creates specific thinking patterns that reinforce feelings of worthlessness:

1. Personalization/Self-Blame: "It happened because of something I did/wore/said"

   • Reality check: The assault happened because someone chose to commit violence. Responsibility lies solely with them.

2. Catastrophizing: "My life is ruined forever" or "I'll never feel safe again"

   • Reality check: While trauma has significant impacts, healing is possible and many survivors rebuild fulfilling lives.

3. Black-and-White Thinking: "I'm completely damaged" or "I'm worthless now"

   • Reality check: You are a complex human being with many qualities. One traumatic event doesn't define your entire existence.

4. Mind Reading: "Everyone can tell what happened" or "People see me as dirty"

   • Reality check: Others cannot see your trauma. Their perceptions are based on their own thoughts, not an objective truth about your worth.

5. Overgeneralization: "I can never trust anyone again" or "All intimacy is dangerous now"

   • Reality check: While caution is understandable, not all people or situations carry the same risk.

The CBT Thought Record: A Practical Tool

When shame or worthlessness thoughts arise, try this structured approach:

Step 1: Identify the Situation What triggered the thought? (e.g., seeing someone who resembles the perpetrator, an anniversary date, an intimate moment)

Step 2: Notice the Automatic Thought What went through your mind? (e.g., "I'm damaged goods," "I deserved this," "No one will ever love me")

Step 3: Identify the Emotion and Its Intensity What did you feel? How strong was it? (e.g., Shame - 90%, Worthlessness - 85%)

Step 4: Examine the Evidence

• For the thought: What makes me believe this is true?
• Against the thought: What evidence contradicts this belief?

Step 5: Generate Alternative Thoughts What's a more balanced, realistic way to view this? (e.g., "I am healing from trauma. My worth is inherent, not dependent on what was done to me.")

Step 6: Re-rate the Emotion After examining evidence and finding alternatives, how intense is the emotion now? (e.g., Shame - 50%, Worthlessness - 40%)

Practical Example:

Situation: Friend invites me to a party Automatic Thought: "I can't go. Everyone will see I'm broken. I don't deserve to have fun." Emotion: Shame (80%), Worthlessness (75%)

Evidence For: I feel different. I'm not who I used to be. I sometimes struggle in social situations. Evidence Against: My friends still value me. My trauma doesn't show on my face. I deserve joy and connection. Many people have trauma and still attend social events. My friend specifically wants me there.

Alternative Thought: "I'm healing from trauma, which sometimes makes social situations challenging. That doesn't make me broken or unworthy of connection. I can go and leave early if needed. My worth isn't dependent on how comfortable I feel at a party."

Re-rated Emotion: Shame (45%), Worthlessness (35%)

Behavioral Experiments: Testing Your Beliefs

CBT also uses behavioral experiments to challenge worthiness beliefs through action. These experiments help you discover that your feared outcomes often don't materialize.

Example experiments:

• Belief to test: "If I set a boundary, people will reject me and confirm I'm not worthy of respect"

• Experiment: Set one small boundary with a trusted person and observe the actual response

• Outcome: Often, healthy people respect boundaries, which contradicts the belief

• Belief to test: "My body is disgusting and everyone can see I'm damaged"

• Experiment: Attend a yoga class or swim session and notice if people actually react with disgust

• Outcome: Most people are focused on themselves, not judging you

Cognitive Restructuring Specifically for Worth

Create a personalized list of counter-statements to shame's lies. Keep these accessible for difficult moments:

Shame says: "You're dirty." Truth responds: "Something was done to me without my consent. That doesn't make me dirty; it makes what happened wrong. My body is mine, and no one else's actions can change my inherent worth."

Shame says: "You should be over this by now." Truth responds: "Healing from trauma has no timeline. Research shows recovery takes as long as it takes. I'm exactly where I need to be in my process, and that's enough."

Shame says: "You're broken." Truth responds: "I'm healing. I have trauma responses, which are normal reactions to abnormal events. Healing looks messy, and that's okay. I am whole, even while healing."

Shame says: "No one would want you now." Truth responds: "My worth isn't determined by others' perceptions. I am whole and worthy of love. The right people will see my strength, resilience, and inherent value."

Working with a CBT Therapist

While these techniques can be practiced independently, working with a trauma-informed CBT therapist can be particularly effective. They can help you:

• Identify thought patterns you might not notice on your own
• Work through particularly painful or resistant beliefs
• Combine CBT with trauma-specific approaches like Trauma-Focused CBT or Cognitive Processing Therapy
• Create a safe space to process difficult emotions that arise during cognitive work
• Develop personalized coping strategies

Over time, these CBT practices rewire the neural pathways that equate the assault with your worth. Your brain learns new patterns: trauma happened to you, but it doesn't define you. You are worthy, always have been, and always will be.

Finding Safe Spaces and People

Healing happens in the context of safe, supportive relationships. You deserve people who:

• Believe you without question
• Don't pressure you to heal on their timeline
• Respect your boundaries completely
• Allow you to be wherever you are in the process
• See your worth clearly, even when you can't

This might be:

• A trauma-informed therapist (especially one specializing in sexual assault)
• Support groups with other survivors
• Trusted friends or family members who respond with compassion
• Online communities where you can share anonymously if that feels safer

New Zealand Resources:

• Safe to Talk (Sexual Harm Helpline): 0800 044 334 (available 24/7)
• Rape Crisis NZ: Local centers throughout New Zealand providing support and counseling
• Victim Support: 0800 842 846

You don't have to heal alone. Reaching out isn't weakness; it's profound courage.

Grieving What Was Lost

While your worth wasn't lost, other things may have been: a sense of safety, trust, innocence, certain relationships, the person you were before. Acknowledging these losses matters.

Give yourself permission to grieve:

• The life interrupted by trauma
• The ease that existed before hypervigilance
• The person you might have become without this experience
• The time lost to healing
• The relationships changed or ended

Grief and healing coexist. You can mourn what was taken while simultaneously reclaiming your worth. They're not contradictory - they're both necessary.

Redefining Strength

Society often tells survivors they need to be "strong" - which usually means silent, uncomplaining, and quick to move on. This narrative is harmful.

Real strength after assault looks like:

• Asking for help when you need it
• Crying when grief overwhelms you
• Setting boundaries even when it disappoints others
• Speaking your truth when you're ready
• Resting when healing demands it
• Being gentle with yourself on hard days

Vulnerability isn't weakness. Surviving isn't enough to prove your strength. Your worth exists independent of how "well" you handle trauma.

Reclaiming Pleasure and Joy

Trauma can convince you that you don't deserve good things, that joy is no longer accessible, or that pleasure is dangerous. But your capacity for joy, pleasure, and peace remains intact, even if it's currently buried under pain.

As you heal, gently explore:

• Small moments of beauty that catch your attention
• Activities that help you feel present and alive
• Safe physical pleasures (favorite foods, warm baths, soft textures)
• Creative expression that doesn't require words
• Moments of genuine laughter when they arise

You're not betraying your trauma by experiencing joy. Joy is your birthright, and reclaiming it is part of reclaiming your worth.

Worthiness and the Question of Trust

After assault, trust becomes complicated. How do you trust others when someone violated your trust so completely? How do you trust yourself when you may question decisions you made?

First, recognize that trusting again doesn't mean trusting blindly. Discernment is healthy. You can:

• Trust gradually
• Trust selectively
• Trust with boundaries
• Trust while honoring your intuition

Second, if you struggle with self-trust, be patient with yourself. Your instincts may have been overridden during the assault. Rebuilding self-trust happens slowly, through small decisions where you honor your needs and boundaries. Each time you listen to yourself, trust grows.

Your worth isn't dependent on trusting perfectly or immediately. It's okay to move cautiously.

When Progress Feels Impossible

Some days, the idea of worth will feel completely inaccessible. Trauma anniversaries, triggers, or simply the accumulation of hard days can make you feel like you're back at the beginning.

These moments don't erase your progress. Healing isn't linear. You can have grown tremendously and still have difficult days. Both things are true.

On the hardest days:

• Return to basics: safety, breath, getting through the moment
• Reach out to your support system
• Remember that feelings aren't facts
• Know that this moment will pass
• Be radically gentle with yourself

Your worth exists even on the days you can't feel it. It's constant, even when your awareness of it isn't.

For Those Supporting Survivors

If you're reading this to better support someone you care about, thank you. Here's what helps:

Do:

• Believe them completely
• Follow their lead about what they need
• Respect their timeline
• Maintain appropriate boundaries
• Remind them of their worth, not through empty platitudes, but through how you treat them
• Educate yourself about trauma responses
• Take care of your own wellbeing so you can show up sustainably

Don't:

• Ask for details they're not offering
• Express anger at the perpetrator in ways that make them manage your emotions
• Pressure them toward any particular response (reporting, forgiving, etc.)
• Treat them as fragile or different
• Make their healing about you
• Set timelines for their recovery

The Long View: Integration, Not Erasure

Healing from sexual assault doesn't mean returning to who you were before. That person exists in the past. Healing means integrating the experience into your story in a way that doesn't define you, but also doesn't require you to pretend it didn't happen.

Over time, many survivors find:

• The assault becomes one part of their story, not the whole story
• Triggers become less intense and frequent
• They develop profound empathy and strength
• They can hold both the reality of trauma and the reality of their worth
• They find meaning, purpose, or advocacy emerging from their experience (though this is never required)

You're becoming someone new - not better or worse than before, but different. Someone who knows profound vulnerability and is learning profound resilience. Someone who is reclaiming their worth not because it was ever actually lost, but because trauma tried to convince you it was.

A Letter to Your Future Self

One day - maybe not soon, but one day - you'll have moments where you fully believe in your worth again. Where shame's voice is just a whisper you can easily dismiss. Where your body feels like home. Where trust comes more easily. Where joy exists alongside the reality of what happened.

That future self is already forming. Every small step toward healing is building them. Every time you challenge shame, set a boundary, reach out for support, or simply survive another day, you're creating that future.

That person will look back at this moment - this moment where you're reading these words, searching for a way back to yourself - with profound compassion. They will be grateful you kept going. They will recognize that you were always worthy, even when you couldn't see it.

You are that person becoming. Right now. In this moment.

Your Worth Was Never in Question

Let this be clear: Sexual assault is a violent act perpetrated by someone who made a choice. That choice has absolutely nothing to do with your worth, value, or character.

You were worthy before. You were worthy during. You are worthy now. You will always be worthy.

The journey of healing is not about earning back worth you never lost. It's about removing the lies, the shame, and the trauma responses that cloud your vision of the truth: you are inherently, unchangeably, profoundly worthy.

Exactly as you are. Right here. Right now.

If you are in immediate danger, please call:

• Emergency Services: 111
• Safe to Talk (Sexual Harm Helpline): 0800 044 334 (24/7)
• Lifeline: 0800 543 354 (24/7)

You are not alone. Your worth is absolute. Your healing is possible.

By Lori From Lifesucessnz