The Power of Expectations in Relationships

Expecting failure makes failure more likely.

KEY POINTS

• The way an event is viewed will affect your behavior and, in turn, alter the actual outcome.
• Bringing a positive attitude toward your love relationship is protective.
• Sharing your positive thoughts with your partner strengthens a mutual positive resolve.

You've grown up in a household of drama between parents and divorce, you are concerned that you will fall prey to relationship failure as well. It certainly can occur, but it is far from a foregone conclusion. While all of us are continually rehearsing our reactions to anticipated future events, how we think about what awaits us, particularly in regard to an issue that is central to us, such as our love life, strongly influences our lives. Hope spurs us on; hopelessness, the inability to anticipate satisfaction, creates despair and flirts with thoughts of failure.

While discouragement can occur in any relationship, some of us who grew up in a household that was shattered by divorce are, in fact, more likely to become despondent when our relationship is troubled. If we view our relationships as floundering, we may act accordingly, that is to say, with weakened commitment. We put little into it because we expect little in return, and this is just what we get, a meager return. It is the damaged love map we developed in our household silently haunting our hopefulness.

In sharp contrast, the hopeful person, expecting that an event will turn out well, signals enthusiasm through facial expressions, stature, and a confident attitude. Indeed, those who are involved with this person are encouraged by his or her display of self-assurance, are drawn in by their enthusiasm, and are more likely to respond in kind.

The law of expectations is simple: The way an event is viewed (how you expect it to turn out) will affect your behaviour and, in turn, alter the actual outcome. Is coming from a failed parental household a high risk going forward? No, it is not. It is not so much the experience we had, it is about how we allow the failing experience to impact us. In that regard, here are some relationship protective considerations: 

1. Make a successful relationship a priority. Find a quiet place, look your partner in the eye, and pledge your commitment to your relationship. Make it a formal agreement. If you are serious about being as successful in your love life as you are in being successful in other areas, you’ll put the same energy forward.

2. Bear in mind that fear, uncertainty, and negative expectations block the gate to success. If you have grown up in a household that was broken by divorce, or on the threshold, it is natural as you approach the gate to feel these emotions and have these thoughts. The key to the gate is committed action.

3. Make a list of your major commitment obstacles, the kinds of things that are likely to shoot your dreams out of the sky. Carry the list around with you and glance at it from time to time so that you stave off a sneak attack.

4. Remember that you will fortify your relationship piece by piece. Think of the process as incremental so as not to overwhelm yourself.

5. All commitments require some degree of faith. You are not making a prediction based on past results but proactively authoring the future with your newly committed effort. The whole point of your commitment is to make something happen that is not based on the past, but on a new vision of the present.

6. Minimize your negative distractions. Speaking positively about your partner as well as your intention to invigorate your bond will fortify your resolve. This will also help you avoid the slippery slope of listening too intently to that sabotaging inner voice that gets louder when a relationship is struggling. The last thing you need is to join in the chorus of unhappy couples who are dedicated to having a miserable life together.

7. If you acknowledge your inner voice and you are aware of how sabotaging it can be when a relationship is struggling, then you own it, rather than it owning you. Once you start to recognize the excuses and negative thinking for what it is, mere static, you have taken some strong steps on the path to freedom.

8. Visualize yourself in the midst of a fulfilling relationship. See if you can make it as real as if it were actually happening. Revisit this visualization as often as possible, particularly if your negative distractions are planning an attack.

9. Don’t be discouraged by setbacks. They are part of the alarm your survival system sets up to let you know you have to stay alert. Feel the fear, experience the discomfort, and go forward.

10. Having trouble thinking positively about your love life? Find aspects of your relationship that are working and do your best to build on that experience. Small, positive gestures can become powerful experiences over time.

I hope this helps you to make your relationship work. 

Lori from lifesuccessnz