Discovering What You Actually Want (Not What You Think You Should Want) Introduction

 



Introduction in discovery 

• Hook: Most people are living someone else’s life plan without realizing it

• The reality: We inherit expectations from family, culture, media, and peers so early that our own desires become invisible

• What this post offers: A framework to distinguish between genuine wants and internalized shoulds

• Why it matters: Living authentically requires knowing what you actually want

Section 1: The Difference Between Wants and Shoulds

What Are Shoulds?

• Definition: Desires driven by external expectations rather than internal truth

• Origins: Parents, culture, peer groups, media, societal timelines

• How they feel: Obligatory, pressured, like you’re checking boxes

• Examples: Career prestige, relationship status, material possessions, lifestyle choices

What Are Authentic Wants?

• Definition: Desires that align with your values, interests, and vision for your life

• Origins: Your own exploration, reflection, and genuine curiosity

• How they feel: Energizing, magnetic, exciting even when challenging

• Examples: Meaningful work, deep relationships, creative pursuits, personal growth

Why We Get Them Confused

• Shoulds feel normal because they’ve been around so long

• Authentic wants can feel selfish or unrealistic at first

• Fear makes us cling to shoulds (they’re “safe”)

• We rationalize shoulds as wants to avoid guilt or disappointment

Section 2: The Discovery Questions (The Core of the Post)

Question 1: Where Did This Come From?

• Ask yourself: Who wanted this first—me or someone I respect?

• Trace back: Can you remember when you first decided this was important?

• Reality check: If no one would ever know, would you still want this?

Question 2: How Does It Feel?

• The energy test: Does thinking about this energize or drain you?

• The obligation test: Does it feel like something you get to do or have to do?

• The honest moment: When you’re alone at 2 AM, are you excited about this or resigned to it?

Question 3: What Am I Avoiding?

• Sometimes shoulds are actually avoidance mechanisms

• Ask: What would change if I admitted I don’t want this?

• Dig deeper: What fear comes up? Judgment? Disappointment? Uncertainty?

Question 4: Does It Align With My Values?

• List your core values (authenticity, freedom, creativity, security, contribution, etc.)

• Compare: Does this goal support those values or contradict them?

• The disconnect: Often we chase goals that directly conflict with what matters most to us

Question 5: Am I Willing to Pay the Price?

• Every goal has a cost—time, money, effort, sacrifice

• Ask: Would I choose this if I knew the actual cost?

• This separates genuine wants from fantasy wants

Section 3: Real-Life Example (Case Study)

Sarah’s Story: The Law School Should

Sarah spent three years working toward law school. Her parents were proud, her friends were impressed, and the timeline felt right. But during her final year of college, she realized something: she dreaded every moment. She didn’t actually want to be a lawyer—she wanted her parents to be proud.

What changed: Sarah sat with the discomfort and admitted the truth. Her parents were initially disappointed, but eventually understood. She switched to nonprofit work, which aligned with her actual values of helping people and making a direct impact. She made less money but felt alive for the first time.

The insight: Sarah’s should was so convincing because the external validation felt like internal desire.

Section 4: The Discomfort Phase (Normalizing the Resistance)

What Happens When You Get Honest

• Relief mixed with guilt (you’re allowed to feel both)

• Grief for the time or energy spent on shoulds

• Fear about disappointing others

• Uncertainty about what comes next

Why This Is Actually Good

• Discomfort means you’re waking up

• It’s the friction between your truth and old stories

• This is where real change begins

What to Do With the Discomfort

• Feel it instead of fixing it immediately

• Share it with someone you trust

• Remember: clarity often feels uncomfortable at first

Section 5: Action Steps—The Self-Reflection Audit

Exercise 1: The Want vs. Should Inventory

• List your top 5 current goals or desires

• For each one, rate on a scale of 1–10: “How much of this is what I actually want vs. what I think I should want?”

• If any are below 6, investigate why

Exercise 2: The Values Alignment Check

• Write down your core values (choose 3–5)

• For each goal, write how it either supports or conflicts with those values

• Notice patterns

Exercise 3: The Origin Story

• Pick one goal that feels uncertain

• Write: Where did this come from? When did I first decide this mattered?

• Who in my life would be affected if I chose differently?

• How much of my desire is actually mine?

Exercise 4: The Energy Audit

• Spend a week noticing which activities/goals energize you and which drain you

• Keep it simple: mark each as + (energizing) or − (draining)

• Look for patterns

Exercise 5: The Honest Conversation (Optional)

• Choose someone you trust

• Share one area where you’re wondering if what you want is actually what you should want

• Notice what happens when you say it out loud

Conclusion

Getting honest about what you actually want is one of the most courageous things you can do. It requires questioning narratives you’ve accepted your whole life. It means potentially disappointing people. It means tolerating uncertainty.

But it’s also the gateway to a life that feels genuinely yours—not perfectly aligned with everyone else’s expectations, but authentically aligned with who you are.

The good news: You don’t have to figure it all out today. Start with one area. Ask one question. Notice one thing. Clarity builds over time, and it always starts with permission to get honest.

Your wants matter. They’re not selfish. They’re the compass that points you toward a life worth living.

Call to Action

Choose one exercise from the audit and try it this week. Share in the comments: What’s one thing you’ve been questioning lately? (You don’t have to share details—sometimes just naming it is enough.)

Want to learn more? Get some coaching with me https://tranquilitynz.com/

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